I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant!

Communications is a key element in wellness.

Certain types of communication can bring comfort and others can cause us to release stomach acids that can sometimes be a factor in ulcers. But, on a more likely note, communications is our most effective way of connecting with others, building (or destroying) relationships, and assuring that projects are completed and success is achieved.

The hinge, as pointed out in the opening quote, is understanding. Because we perceive words through our individual filters (experience, attitudes, belief systems, definitions and even our sense of self), it is important to choose words that are accurate, non-threatening and can be grasped by the listener.

Communication takes place on two levels: content and process. Listen to voice tones and emphasis and you'll realize how meaning can change. (For example: "I never said he stole the money," vs. "I never said he stole the money," or "I never said he stole the money.") Our body language also conveys a message on an emotional level. It is often more honest than the words we select.

It is impossible to talk about communication without addressing the issue of listening. As the one speaking, the obligation falls to you to determine whether your words have been 'heard' as you intended. To do this you can seek feedback, asking the listener to tell you what he or she heard. If you are the listener, take it upon yourself to initiate the feedback: "As I understand it, you want me to ..." When you are the speaker, 51 percent of the responsibility for the accuracy falls to you. When you are the listener, 51 percent of the responsibility still falls to you. Yep! It's always up to you.

To reduce distortion and misunderstanding, write things down. Many times we hear things when we are distracted and then we forget. If important messages are written down, as well as given verbally, you not only increase the chances that you'll be heard accurately but also that action will be taken. Stating benchmarks for completion of things, as well as deadlines for the final project can help the listener focus. Dating the message helps you to document when you initiated the conversation.

Phrasing can also affect communication. When words appear accusatory, they convey a message to the listener that will likely put her on the defensive. "Why on earth would you have done it that way!" carries a far different meaning than, "Tell me about how you happened to choose to ... ." Always watch out for "why questions" - they are often posed when the speaker already knows the answer.

A basic problem that befalls communication is that people think much faster than they talk. This leaves spare time to think. This all happens within the realm of the listener's value and belief systems. To assure accurate, non-threatening communication, consider where the listener is coming from. Chose words that avoid highly emotional responses and are most apt to be accepted and understood.

To be a responsible and successful communicator, focus on the other person. How does she process information? Will she listen (hear) better if I choose words that create a picture or relate to feelings? What is her thinking style? What are her needs, values and beliefs? The burden of success is on you.

LADDER for Successful Listening

L Look at the speaker, show active interest. When your eyes are elsewhere so is your mind.

A Ask questions. Closed-ended questions (who, what, where and when) reveal specific facts. Open-ended questions why and how draw the other person out.

D Don't interrupt! It is as rude to step on ideas as toes.

D Don't change the subject. Interrupting is bad enough, but changing the subject compounds the error.

E Emotions can interfere with communications. Beware.

R Responsiveness means being responsive to demeanor, posture, facial expression and tone of voice.